I Am Descended from The Lizard King, Janice!

“Name’s Ed. Ed Carbuncle. I came to therapy today because my wife, Janice, told me I had to ‘do something radical’ or she’d leave me. I’m not usually one to share, but here we are. So, yeah. About me, about me….I was born in Gary, Indiana in 2013. I’m almost 7 years young. Janice says I have acted ‘like an old bird’ for most of my long life. She doesn’t mean that as a compliment. Janice just loves to hen-peck me. It’s her favorite pasttime. Her hobbies include adding nonsence to our nest that we don’t need, and bitching about everything I do.

Her favorite critisism of me is that I’m meek. Yeah. Rich, isn’t it? Like she wants me to always be putting up my snood to fight the other toms. I’m sorry if I don’t want to be a total dick just to demonstrate my male prowess, or whatever, Janice. You know your friends with macho husbands would love a tender, loving guy like me who just likes to roost and read a nice book. Ask them. I bet it’s true.

Interestingly, the other day when I was reading one of my favorite scientific journals, I came across a fascinating article about how turkeys are the birds most closely evolved from dinosaurs. Yes, the same dinosaurs who fiercely dominated the boiling earth millions of years ago. I can see it. I’ve always felt like I have an ancient, quiet strength in me. Now I know the source of it. And what a beautiful evolution to survive this many millenia and really just improve over time. An intellectual, AND the dominator of the earth? Damn. I really am the pinnacle of evolution. I walked a little taller after reading that.

Janice noticed and told me not to prance.

“Oh, yeah, Janice? Would you tell the King of the Thunder Lizards not to prance? Huh? Huh? Would you?”

That’s what I wanted to say. What I did say was, “Sorry, dear. Did you see the grub I brought you?”

That’s when she told me she’s been secretly hoping I’d get eaten.

So now I’m here. Can you help me reclaim some of the mighty lizard king in me that I’ve lost, doc? I’ve been practicing. Like roar. ROAR!! Oh, sorry. That one got away from me.”

Frank and funny, Sarah writes the hard stuff of marriage, parenting, woman-ing. Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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