I Just Can’t.
Hosing down my house in peace and positivity to maintain a moist and merry atmosphere is wearing me slap out.
Some days I can, some days I can’t. (Remember when I said “moist?” Just making sure you didn’t forget)
I know it’s a luxury that I can invest this much time into parenting right now and not be trying to manage kids while also working. I am not working much right now. In fact, since we’re not working much, we have plenty of time to be our best selves with the kids right now, right? In theory, but our best selves are hard to come by. The whole not working thing and being home all the time and totally unsure of our future is VERY STRESSFUL (even though, again, we are VERY privileged with resources). Being forced to be doing this level of parenting, is also stressful. We’re trying to be adaptive, to be zen, and sometimes pulling it off, but other times really not.
My kids get the best of me. I have worked SOOOOO hard not to yell all the time, to be calm and patient and genuine and creative with them. We’re working on being organized, being good team members, on expressing ourselves less stabby-like and more with words. On embracing all of our bouncing emotions in constructive ways. The results vary. More and more often they’ll get dressed without first pouting on the floor for an hour, they’ll apologize quickly when they do something mean, they’ll speak clearly about what’s bothering them or what they expect from another family member- those feel like wins. Other times, they’ll run away down the block and when I go to fetch them, they’ll yell -for all the neighbors to hear- that I’m a “SHITTY SHITSTER.” (True story, still moist, just happened yesterday).
What’s left of me after I super mom all day is not much. Add the grief, doubt, and fear of living in this world right now, and I’m pretty hollowed out. Any Sarah juice that remains at the end of the day, goes into writing and just trying to survive mentally. Dammit, I was about to say that I’m “going through a selfish phase,” but that’s hot garbage. I’m not apologizing for this. I am bent on maintaining my mental health and a sense of self- the rest of what I have goes into me right now. There’s nothing left for my husband and little left for the house or future planning or friendships or whatever and I’m sorry/not sorry. I know that if I lose myself in this, all those gains with the kids will be lost, we will be lost. I’m kind of our center, I need to remain centered.
On day #166 of it being terrifying to leave the house and WAY CONGESTED in the house, of having no clue how we’re going to manage tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow, I’m tired. Guilty that we have it bette than so many, mad that it’s still so hard. Today’s a rough day. Tomorrow, we’ll see.
Whatever happens, I’m sure it will be…moist.
