If a “Boob Job” is an Augmentation, Than I’m Getting a “Boob Vacation”

Here’s the weird thing about being the owner of a massive pair of tots: they’re extremely uncomfortable, but everyone tells you you’re lucky. Large protruding breasts on women is #ladygoals in our current society, so whenever I complain about my constant back pain or how I can’t find a shirt that fits right, most people make jokes about how miserable it must be to be so hot and how they’d love to have that problem. You wouldn’t. I promise.

I don’t remember the last time I went a day without having upper back, shoulder, and/or neck pain. At least six years. The pains often leads to headaches, nausea, and extreme grouchiness. At one point, my shoulder pain got so bad I couldn’t do my surgical job right, and I was having a lot of hand numbness. I’ve had PT and imaging and many physician visits, including an MRI, and countless hours of massage, acupuncture, cupping, stretching, and yoga. I’ve also spent a small fortune on specialized bras, back support devices, heating pads, massage chairs, and exercise rolly thingies. I back up to my family members constantly, asking them to “Just dig your elbow into this real quick.” They’re gracious, but probably just as tired of the pain related to carrying these sweater muffins as I am.

It’s not just the pain and the unwieldiness of having so much fat hanging off my neck and shoulders, it’s that their existence sends invitations for attention I absolutely do not want. I wrote about it here, about how I blame my mammary development…