Is It Easier For You to Love Than Be Loved? Yeah, Same.

As I learn more about authenticity and vulnerability I realize how good I am at reflecting other people’s sunshine back onto them and sitting with them in their darkness, but how rarely I ask for anyone to engage with me in my sunshine or shadow. I tend to serve and love and sacrifice so hard it leaves me dry, but it also leaves me feeling unknown and unloved. I’m learning that people don’t always read minds(?) and don’t always guess that I’m miserable when I say that I’m fine(?) and although I’d love them to be paying such close attention to me that they can see through my self-protective bullshit, my defenses are pretty opaque. It’s more practical for me to just set the bullshit down and say the thing.

It’s not that I don’t have lots of people who love me- I do- but I think I make it hard for them, with my non-porous, reflective surface. I make it seem like there’s nothing I need and I have it all together, PLEASE don’t worry about me, I’m fine and how are YOU…leaving them assuming I actually am fine or trying to guess what will make me feel loved because I don’t say it out loud. (This is why I like writing so much, because there’s no one in front of me to please, I don’t have to bend my words around my perception of their comfort/expectations).