Know Thyself And Thou Shalt Stoppeth Screaming at Thine Kids
WHY does every single thing in life come down to self-actualization?! Like, just once, I want the answer to be that I’m fine and it’s someone else’s problem. ;)
But NOOOOO. It’s always work your shit out and problems seem less insurmountable (more mountable? Is that the opposite?). Work your shit out and you can approach even the most challenging moments with clarity and calm.
And it’s true. Dammit.
Speaking of challenging…this whole parenting experiment is for the birds. Why do we do this??Oh… chubby cheeks and scratchy morning voices, itty bitty hand holding, getting front-row seats to watching a person BECOME, and because we’re mammals and biology or whatnot….right.
My goal as of late has been to have a peaceful house and to stop screaming at my short people. I also want to not feel guilty and responsible every time they don’t do something there’s supposed to do, and for them to take more ownership of their lives, of themselves. For me, and for them, the balance of who’s responsible for them needs to shift. Change is hard. Pattern-breaking is slow.
What I’ve discovered is that when I get my most irate at them it’s because I feel disrespected and embarrassed and out of control. When I’m able to remove my ego from the situation, not make it about me, to not take their wrong-doing to the bottom of my soulcakes, but just keep it in the present, on them and their learning, I react much better. If I’m feeling embarrassed or ashamed at how they act or what they’re doing/not doing, I come at them with the full force of my baggage. Then they get mad at me, and I feel guilty. I might not say it explicitly, but what I’m giving them is, “Don’t you see that you’re making me look bad? Making me feel bad? Are exhibiting evidence that I’m not doing things right? God, fine, I’ll fix it all.”
Separating my ego from my kids’ behavior and expecting them to do what is right for themselves instead of in the name of not disappointing me or getting in trouble, is the goal here. I am tired of that panicked sweaty feeling when they’re not doing what they should be and feeling like I have to insinuate myself to fix it. I’m tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop and for it to be my fault it dropped and my job to find and fix it. I’m OVER THAT.
Preserving my inner peace and sense of self is essential to me being nice to my kids, us all being discrete and independent from each other, and them learning accountability. When I guiltily own it all, am caving in on myself all the time, am competing in the Sacrifice Olympics to do everything for them, for everyone, I get weakened and embittered, and they get held back.
So, I have to love and respect myself and my boundaries. I’m working on it; on forgiving myself for the parts of me I don’t like, allowing room for myself to falter, to struggle, to hurt, to need things. Attempting to say them out loud. I’m daily fighting against the notion that perfect and content are the LEAST I can be, or that I need to earn the right to suffer, to rest, to cathartically scream. I can just do it because I’m a person, a member of this family, a me.
I’ve felt lost in this last year of parenting/virtual schooling, leaving our business and home, my career…and I’m realizing that I was trying to demonstrate my value and my love for my family by aggressively cooking and cleaning and getting their assignments in on time and keeping things “just right.” I hated it. I hated them for scewing it up. They hated me for never being available for fun, for always being critical. Cleaning up after everyone all the time isn’t what any of us want and need from me. They want and need a calm, tender, silly, self-loving mom who is resilient to the mom guilt and has perspective on what matters…including herself.
I wrote last week about what I want my kids to remember about me when I’ve (finally run away to live in a commune in the desert) gone. I want them to remember me laughing and looking at them with love. That’s it. The rest of it doesn’t matter as much. Filthy floors and unfolded laundry won’t make the list in their memories, but I’m guessing neither would have the clean or folded ones. They’ll remember the way I made them feel, my energy, my joy.
I want to know myself in those same terms; laughing, peaceful, wise, forgiving, trying, joyful.
I bought myself a new ring recently. A committment to myself. It’s made of Redwood, the famous trees around where we moved this year on this great adventure. It’s reminding me to be brave and solid, even in the midst of change. It’s reminding me to stay loyal to myself, at least as loyal as I am to the other people I love. It’s reminding me I need to be one of those.
