So I Guess I’m a Burlesque Dancer Now?

I now have video proof of what I look like when dancing topless. It’s not great.BUT I’m trying REALLY hard to see it through a different lens.

Walk with me on this journey of positivity and pasties.

I don’t have a lot of pictures of me looking free or sexy, and certainly none of me dancing. I’ve always felt too uncoordinated, too cumbersome and big, too large on top and small on bottom, too self-conscious. I was over thirty when I realized I actually really loved dancing…in clubs…in the dark…with tequila on board, but I haven’t made much room for it since I had that discovery, and doing it sober with the lights on?? Sweet lawd.

I’ve written about it a lot before, how I’ve never been comfortable with my boobs, my body, with being a woman out in the world, with claiming any sort of sexiness or taking up space in that realm. Some combination of religious, conservative upbringing and my own bag of body issues has made me hold myself at arms’ length. And, yeah, it’s effected my relationship and my general self-esteem and identity. (I do recognize that my body has many privileged characteristics which mean that society lands less hate and violence on it than it does on others).

At 40, I decided I was going to claim my sexiness! I went to the mall to buy a cute little dress and….left with a(nother) beige sweater. I got boudoir pictures…and used the talents of the photographer for professional headshots instead, only taking this one lone pic of me in anything less than a shirt.