The White House Will Shut Down Starbucks Unless They Comply with These Christmas Demands

They’ve been warned.

The last few years, Starbucks has failed to get their seasonal cup right. First, it was not red and green enough. Then, it was way too gay with probably gay hands that were probably gay touching. The franchise will be disbanded by February, unless they agree to these terms.

Comet was the most fabulous reindeer. Suspicious.

1. They must change the name of the company to “Merry Christmas.”

2. They must make the seasonal drink the Frankincense and Myrrh Latte (F.M.L), to celebrate the reason for winter. (It’s baby Jesus.)

3. They must remove the “Flat White” drink off the menu because Mother Pence thinks it’s mocking her boobs.

4. They must change the drink sizes from ‘Grande, Tall, and Venti’ to ‘Father, Son and Holy Spirit’

5. They must display a nativity in the front window of each store, using Benjamin Moore’s OC-117, “Simply White” paint for Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. The idea that Christ was born a refugee, raised in the Middle East and Egypt, was the first fake news.

6. They will make it mandatory that all customers pray before eating their cake pops, which are round like “yon virgin.”

7. Speaking of virgins, Starbucks will no longer be hiring unmarried women, because, if whores cannot be trusted with their own healthcare, they can’t be trusted to turn water into coffee.

8. They will put a Santa Clause at each store to receive Christmas wishes from heteronormative boys and girls. Santa will also confirm that each child is displaying his or her (not “their”) assigned gender before agreeing to any gift requests.

9. Santa will do his best to give all straight, cis, binary kids what they ask for. However, if all Billie wants for Christmas is his chance at the American dream he was promised as a child when his parents gave up everything to bring him to this country, then Billie needs to leave. No mini candy cane for Billie, go Ho-Ho-Home.

10. When a drink is complete, the barista will drive a nail through the side of it to remind everyone that Easter is coming.

The enterprise has 72 hours to agree to these demands. The nation awaits its response.

Merry Christmas, Christmas!