Well, Hell’s Bells, Is This What Health Feels Like? Day 77, “The Me Project”

Now here’s a weird thing that happened.

It’s mid-January. All the holiday joy and lights are behind us, and we’re looking down the barrel of several more months of gloomy weather.

Business is slow, I’m not working very much in structured ways, just sort of making slow progress toward vague goals.

I’m gaining weight. Despite not drinking, despite *allegedly*taking a break from sugar, despite *theoretically* exercising every day….I’m still heavy and my clothes still cling.

I’m confounded about where to go with my writing.

This sensation of purposelessness, darkness, uncertainty, and failure has historically spiraled me into depression. I could feel it coming. I caught myself staring off into the void a few times. I’ve been a mega momster to my family this past week.

Normally, I would *soothe* myself with treats (booze, snacks, shopping, other indulgences) but I’m finding I don’t want any of that, because I actually want to feel GOOD and not just briefly less bad.

So, I drank something like 80? oz of water yesterday (thank you, Karen), I am continuing to write- even if it’s just this little self-indulgant blogsickle (thank you, robb, for always pushing me, and readers for…reading and commenting and loving on me), and I’m actually seeking help with fitness/body care from others. Months ago, I asked people for recommendations and a bunch of my friends- distant and close- came up with a variety of things that help their 40-ish bodies stay strong and comfortable. I was grateful, but not so grateful that I actually did any of it. But this week, instead of chastising myself for being fat or lazy or bad or whatever, I signed up for this monthly fitness/stretching video subscription, which so far I’m FUCKING LOVING (thank you, Jessica!) bc it’s super cheap, they’re short and targeted exactly to what hurts me (I’ve been going through the “Fix ME” series), and the teacher is totally normal and chill and educated. I also orderd some Glucosamine supplement for jointsand GI help (thank you, Hillary!) and I went to bed before 11pm last night because it sounded like it would feel good.

So….I’m proud that in a season that notoriously kicks me down into the pit, I’m finding ways to stay up top. Healthy ways. Nothing revolutionary, but that’s the point. Sustainable, reasonable ways. Forgiving myself for being less than whatever target I think I should be aiming for, loving myself for just existing. Seeing things in the big picture vs the micro disappointments and flailings.

So, thanks for coming along this journey with me.