Would I NOT Feel like I’m Losing if It Wasn’t a Contest?

I can’t seem to stop myself from checking how I stack against everyone else. As a human, woman, mom, writer, healthcare provider, wife, forty-something, white lady, suburbanite, midwesterner in California, daughter, sister, friend, liberal, introverted alleged lover of humans.

Am I achieving enough? Am I kind and helpful enough? Am I making a difference? Am I joyful enough? Am I beautiful enough? Thin enough? Sexy enough? Modest enough? Brave enough? Careful enough? Am I dragging anyone down with me? Am I holding up my end? My life feels kind of easy this minute, am I sacrificing enough to keep up? Does it hurt enough to prove my worth? Do I cost too much, too little? Am I giving enough to prove my love and devotion? To prove I’m worth giving back to? To prove I exist?

That mom over there has five kids and works full-time and is NICE!? That mom there is doing this without any help- resposible for all the money and parenting and everything, and her kid is CLEANER than mine!? That mom there has had four separate people living inside her and her abdomen is tiny and tight and she’s SMILING WHILE SHE RUNS!? That woman over there actually caught her dreams when she chased them, instead of tripping on them or whatever the hell this thing is that I’m doing. That woman there is on her way up a ladder I can’t even fully see. That…